Thursday, December 16, 2010

Ricks v. Cautious Pessimism (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Law School)

Woah. How did I get here? I really can't believe this semester is over. I can't say I haven't enjoyed it, because I have. (Parts of it at least.) I also can't say it was easy, it wasn't. It has not been what I expected. Well, that's not true. "It" has been what I expected, my interaction with "It" has not at all been what I expected. I haven't been how (who?) I expected me to be. I know I sound crazy, but this is the inane babbel you get to deal with because you read my blog.

I'm being cautiously pessimistic about how my first semester grades will turn out. Frankly, I think I did a lot worse than I could have, and even then I might not have done superbly. I say cautious because there's still an off chance that I'm making myself look worse than I really am by suggesting that I did poorly--when perhaps I did well. But mostly, I'm feeling pessimistic about my grades. However, I think I've successfully conquered the worrier (Worry Warrior--that should be an indie band name, along with Cautiously Pessimistic) inside me that would have me to think that just because my grades may turn out horribly that my life will be a complete ruin. While, yes, life would diminish to a rather rotten state, it would certainly go on. Should my grades cause an implosion of my plans, I'll find a way to go on. As I've said, I'll mow lawns to pay off my law school debt if I must. Honestly, I doubt that I'll manage to screw up that badly, but there's a sizable chance my grades won't reflect even my lowest hoped-for potential outcome. In that case, I'll just take what I've learned in this 1/2L semester, and move on. I'll keep trucking through law school, and I'll love it, too. Even when it just hurts.

And, it does hurt. I wrote the above two paragraphs at 4 am last night when I needed a breather from my studies. I just now got home from my property law, and last, final exam. I have a bad headache from not getting enough sleep last night, and possibly from only having eaten a shake at the "Silver Diner" with a bunch of my classmates who either don't drink or were just going to go drink later than that. (I can't imagine if I were to add an alcohol hangover on top of the way I feel right now!) Anyway, so, I'm done for the semester. Shouting for joy, jubilation, happiness... yeah... not really feeling like that at all. It might help if in a couple days I get a chance to take in the big picture of what I've been through, but for now I think I feel emotionless because the joy of being done for a few weeks and the anxiety over feeling like I didn't do very well are canceling each other out. I'm an emotional void right now. Emotion neutral? (Another indie band name! Wow, either I'm on a roll or I'm just particularly emo in this blog post.) Well, so... that's that. See you in a couple days when maybe I'll be more interesting or exciting.

Update on the previous blog post's subject: I saw my arrested-neighbor's father this morning. He kind of just stared at me while I scraped the snow off my car. It was awkward. Well, ... bye.

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