Tuesday, September 14, 2010

My latest lawsuit: Ricks v. Keebler

(So sorry if you hate this, but you're going to have to deal with the fact that this is how my posts are going to be until further notice.)

Ricks v. Keebler*:
257 Int.Barn. 2 (DCoLIB 2010)

[The plaintiff, Ricks, has sought damages for a heretofore unestablished branch of tort law that his counsel has entitled "Fattery."  The plaintiff alleges that the defendant, Keebler, has exploited the plaintiff's debilitating addiction to chocolate chip cookies and has inflicted many pounds of cookie-weight.  This has left the plaintiff feeling rather out of shape and flabby.  He is saddened by the outcome of his excessive cookie binging.  Plaintiff claims that the defendant's actions amount to fattery through creating irresistible cookie treats with chips of chocolate in every bite!  He has asked for $3 million for emotional distress and physical harm that will surely only be removed by liposuction due to the plaintiff's lack of time for continuing his P 90 X regimen.  The defense has filed a countersuit for court costs, due to what they consider a highly frivolous claim.]

CASSANDRA NIGHT McCONNOR, Judge in the District Court of Lame Internet Blogospheria gives the opinion:

This is a really, really stupid claim.  I'm going home.
Case dismissed, and plaintiff must pay defendant's costs for a frivolous claim.  Fattery?!  Wow, I thought I'd heard it all.

K, see ya.
*This is a real** case.
**Really fake.


  1. Yep. You've got the law jargon down. Look at how much you've learned already! Three cheers!

  2. love it Ricks, miss ya and hope all is well. You're going to be an amazing lawyer one day as long as you don't have cases such as this one. I fear they will be mocked at and dismissed. Love ya buddy and take care.

  3. Taren, ...READ IT! Or don't. It pretty much says what I've said many times on this blog. I'm addicted to cookies, and I don't work out enough.

    Jules, why thank you! I don't really think I use any of it completely right, but I can at least read legal jargon a whole lot better after a few weeks of reading it for seemingly every waking hour of every day.

    Tyler, I laughed so hard when I read your comment. It's definitely not a "school and cookies" thing with me. It's a breathing and cookies thing. (I'm really quite addicted, at least on a weekly basis.)

    Megan, thanks! I'm doing pretty well out here. I don't know about being an amazing lawyer, at the moment I tend to wonder if I'll even ever be a lawyer! Law school is its own brand of insane. I will say though, if there was a reason to come to the defense of a fellow cookie-addict, I'd gladly do it!