I was just looking through my files and discovered a really random story that I wrote for KAVE TV... in other words it was going to be made into a goofy high school film productions class movie, but it never was. Despite how badly I wanted to edit it and make it a bit better, I'll show it to you exactly as it was:
Beau
And His Wacky Love Mishaps
Beau sat alone. He couldn’t get his mind off his impending bout with insanity. Work wore him down, it had been raining for almost a straight month it seemed, and the rent was long overdue. The restaurant seemed to be a place of escape for him. It wasn’t the most successful of restaurants, which meant it was quiet. Beau liked quiet. And His Wacky Love Mishaps
For years Beau had lived alone. He lacked the courting abilities of many of his friends, and he knew that he was the worst looking man on his block. Beau’s quiet little restaurant escape offered little contact with women as they very seldom passed through its doors. Today, Beau couldn’t get his mind off of his search for a mate that seemed so distant from an end that he’d even considered moving to live with his polygamist brother.
Then as though a radiant light burst through the doors, a very attractive woman strolled in. Beau got a better look at her, and realized she wasn’t all that attractive. The sight of a female was shock enough for him to stare. She was a sort of round and plain looking woman. Beau felt as though he was living the one last chance he had at meeting a woman.
Beau prepared his nerves and walked briskly to her table.
“Nice weather we’re having, right?” Beau said. He realized that probably wasn’t the greatest opener.
Then the woman replied in a sort of gruff voice, “Go away, you’ll ruin everything!” Then as though someone unpleasant had looked her way, the woman quickly averted her eyes to the table in front of her. Beau wasn’t completely out of the game yet, and decided to ask her name.
“Chi....Chippette,” came the hesitant reply. “Now go away!”
Beau wandered back to his table and sat back down. There was something that Beau didn’t see about this woman. She was in actuality, a he. His name was Chip. He’s an undercover agent on an extremely risky mission to watch the Canadian Mafia of northern Idaho. Chip made his way out of the restaurant fearing that his cover had been blown.
Beau wasn’t going to let this chance at love slip away. He followed who he thought was Chippette out the door. Chip walked quickly toward his hotel, and Beau followed close on his heels. Chip’s gun suddenly slipped loose and fell to the sidewalk below. Beau quickly picked it up attempting to be a gentleman. (He didn’t realize how strange it was that a woman of her age was carrying around a loaded pistol.)
“Oh, let me help you out with that,” Beau said. On the way up to her face, Beau noticed she had extremely hairy legs in the hot pink skirt she wore. “Date her first then try to fix her,” he thought to himself.
Chip was about to let Beau know that he was a man and was freaking out due to this unwelcome attention, but the leader of the Potato Gang of north eastern Idaho came out of the bar they were in front of. Chip quickly stuffed his gun in his skirt and giggled at Beau. The Potato gangster knew Chip well from his many visits to Chip’s station.
Beau was a little confused, but encouraged by the laughter. He finally asked Chippette if she would go to a movie with him. Suddenly the bar that the Potato gangster had just left blew up! The blow blew Chip and Beau across the street and conveniently into the pillow factory’s garbage bin.
Beau leaned over toward Chippette, and in his confusion was still expecting an answer from the woman. He looked over and saw two oranges that had been jogged loose from Chip's bra. He finally realized the horrible truth! He had been hitting on a man! In embarrassment he started to run away, but was stopped by the excited yell of Chip.
“Thanks to you the Canadian Mafia of northern Idaho was just blown up, and I wasn’t in their restaurant anymore! You saved me, and the mafia’s potato dealin’ and stealin’ days are over!” Chip was so excited he then yelled, “I’ll do anything to show you my gratitude!”
Beau stopped and thought for a second, and then asked, “Could you help me get a date?”
Chip later introduced Beau to his half-sister Wendy. Beau and Wendy got married in Las Vegas four days after their first date, and it finally stopped raining in Beau’s hometown!
Well, there you have it. I'm an AMAZING writer, right? If I could have edited it I wouldn't have informed the reader so early that Chippette was a man or a spy. Oh well. Cest la vie! Well, I'm off to enjoy what relaxation time I have left on this fine Sunday afternoon. Adios!
