Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Horrors of Balding...

This beautiful picture is me.  What is horrifying me, you ask?  That item in my hand is a clump of at least half of the 10 hairs that came off my head when I rubbed my head just now.

There's something about balding that is just kind of... well, horrifying.

To demonstrate this to you girls who don't understand the plight of those of us that must deal with Male Pattern Baldness, I'm going to compare the process of balding to that of gaining weight.  You see, when I gain weight it just kind of happens, and can go unnoticed because the changes in me are generally subtle until finally I notice that I have an extra layer of flub that wasn't there before.  It just sneaks up on me, but it's something that hits me all at once.

You see, with balding... it's a slow, steady process that is VERY apparent to you each day with each and every hair you watch fall from your head.  This process lasts for YEARS and is brought to your attention FAR more often than weight-gain.  Also, for some reason it's socially acceptable to joke about a man going bald.  (Obviously weight-gain is NOT a socially acceptable observation to make about someone.)  So I get to deal with jokes.  (Not that this post isn't kind of about the humorous side of these horrors, but they are kind of horrifying horrors nonetheless.)  (Also I deal with my balding by joking about it as well.)

The other extremely uncomfortable reminder about balding that I don't get about weight-gain is the once-a-month trip to some fine establishment like Great Clips, Fantastic Sam's (Fabulous Sam's if you're Shelley), or Sport Clips.  For at least the last year, this once-a-month trip has included a sales pitch for Nioxin products.  I can just see the, "Oh yeah, I need to try to sell this balding guy some Nioxin products,"-look that crosses the hairdressers' faces each time, and I know it's coming.  Every time it starts with,
(Hairdresser:) "So, have you heard of Nioxin?"
(Jeff:) Yeah.
(HD:) Oh, have you used it?
(Jeff:) No, I can't afford it.
(HD:) Oh, yeah, it is kind of expensive.  It is really great though.  It helps to thicken the hair and covers thinning really well.  Some guys regrow hair, too.
(Jeff:) Huh.
(HD:)  Do you want me to see what we sell it for?
(Jeff:) (Internal sigh of anguish followed by) Ok.
(HD:) It costs an arm and a leg, but you clearly need it chrome-dome.
(Jeff:) (The last time I got my hair cut)  Ok, fine.  I'll try it.

Yes, after a YEAR of resisting the SAME spiel, I finally gave in and bought some of their baldness miracle cure.  Maybe it will get them off my back, but now I remember that I'm balding each time I take a shower and use my shampoo and conditioner.

And the horrors continue.

Also, if I'm going to be as bald as my mother's father (isn't that how "they" say you figure out if you'll be bald?) I am going to lose ALL of my hair.  I won't even have a horse-shoe to speak of.  This means I will advance from a level 2, all the way through to level 7 and beyond!  I have so much horror to deal with for so many years to come.  WOOT!

Ah, balding, wonderful balding in all its glory.  K, see ya.

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